I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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