So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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