so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
