i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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