I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
