Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
