just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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