If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish you could order shots online.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
