I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
