and she was petting her beer can
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
