While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
