Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
