Kiss
Puke
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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