I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
