my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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