I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
