meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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