thus making me awesome and them whores
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
