I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
