She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Green mimosas i think yes
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
