Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
