he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He felt like a one man threesome
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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