When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
