I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
