Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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