My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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