i love accidental penises.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
