i love accidental penises.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
