had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize