Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
