Porn is love you can see.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
