I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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