Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
