From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
