Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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