were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
