He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
