I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
