I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Randomize
