if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
