Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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