Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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