My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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