Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
