We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
