I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
