I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
