she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
MIDGETS
????
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
