well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize