if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
