glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
