Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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