think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
