I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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