I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize