Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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